Continuity
My ancestors would intimidate people by threatening to make them non-canon.
They’d laugh. They’d always laugh.
They said there was no such thing as canon in real life; everything really did happen.
Two hundred years and no historical record later, there is debate as to who ended up being right.
The Battlegrid
I never understood checkers.
When you leap over another piece, it’s captured? What, do they all have gigantic nets or something?
And why flat discs? Why not something more representative, like in chess?
When the UFOs began to descend, I realized the truth: they had been preparing us for war.
Structural Integrity
“This one’s the fourth wall. Be careful not to break it.”
“Why? What makes this wall any different from the rest?”
I pondered. Truth was, I didn’t know, but superiors always gave me that same warning.
“It’s fragile,” I lied.
He nodded, carrying the wall gently, and it remained intact.
Rush of Extreme
It was all the skier could do to keep going.
Although really, all he could do was keep going. Further and further, faster and faster, reaching terminal velocity and still pulled by the gravity well, toward nothingness.
Why would he choose to ski on the planet shaped like a corkscrew?
Contact
“Approximately twenty-five years ago, extraterrestrials first made contact,” the scientist explained. “It was melodious, but indecipherable sound. We released it to an unknowing world hoping someone would crack the code.”
“Really? I’ve never heard it.”
He pressed play, and for the millionth time I heard Super Mario Bros. World 1-1.
—
Note: “Old Shame” refers to stories I’ve written in the past that I’ve previously published elsewhere, mostly to Deviant Art. While they won’t count towards the one story every day, I’ll put one here every now and then to pad my story count give the blog a bit more substance.
Ready to Ship
People ask me that all the time. They ask “Bob, why the hell did you fill the canyon with styrofoam packing peanuts?” And to be honest, I really can’t say. But you have to admit it’s a lot easier to traverse now. Well, aside from how you tend to sink.
The Beach and the Bay
The crab empire was strong. The crab empire was powerful. The crab empire was dominant.
But the tourist armada was encroaching and too fast. Their armies were spread too thin.
Their general woke up every night in a cold sweat, dreaming of butter sauce and salads. And he was right.
Thunderstruck
This is going to be very strange to say, but being hit with that bolt of lightning was the greatest feeling in the world.
It’s exhilarating. Euphoric, even. All the lows of your life are forgotten, replaced with the highs, swimming through your mind.
Shame I can’t tell anyone, huh?
Fierce Uppercut
“I’m invisible! I’m intangible! I’m untouchable!” the boxer cried, cocky as always. “Ain’t nobody can beat me!”
He wasn’t lying. The pugilist forcefully knocked out opponent after opponent. No one could get even one decent strike on him.
Eventually, the International Boxing Association would amend its rulebook to outlaw apparitions.
Pining for the Hovercar
We’ve had the technology for flying cars for nearly a decade now. Truth be told, it’s just not worth the effort. They run great; they’re actually more efficient than most gas-guzzlers, but the New Mexico secret testing facility discovered one intangible we failed to properly anticipate:
Traffic in three dimensions.
